Last night an SUV flipped over, killing 3 and injuring 2 students from Airline High School, my alma mater. It's just so sad, man, they were going to the big game together. All 5 girls. I don't know them, but my sis does, or she knows their older siblings. :(
My life is increasingly busy. I go to school and I work. Only.
Fortunately, I love both things. They are difficult and irritating, but I feel that I am ultimately called to them. That is a wonderful feeling, you know? I didn't think I had a calling for the longest time. But here, look, I do.
I find, though, that my calling isn't to be a nurse
in particular. I could have done My Work in any number of careers. I may yet do it in more ways that just this one job. It's more of a spiritual matter. It's not what I do but how I do it.
Spirituality for me is incommunicable. I am so passionate about developing that part of myself; I'm more likely to read religious commentary than fiction. And my rituals... they're spontaneous and creative and personal and solitary and hard to explain to other people. For instance: I have a string of prayer beads I wear around my neck... but I never recite prayers with them. It is their presence and my silence that makes the prayer. I cant really say why my path takes the form it takes. It just is. And it is wonderful.
But because of the strangeness, I am always loathe to use traditional religious terminology because it is so charged. For instance, I find it difficult to talk about God. Not because I disbelieve... in fact, quite the opposite... but because everyone has such a different concepts of God. Whether you are a holy roller or an atheist, you have ideas about God. And if I say I love God, you will judge me according to what God represents to you, not what God represents to me. I can't accept those limitations.
And yet, in spite of that, I have no other way of getting my point across than this: I feel that I have been called by God to do good work in the world according to my gifts. I feel that I have a talent for ministering to people's hearts, listening to them, and comforting them. Especially old people. Man, I love old people. I don't mind working in the hospital with them at all, because they're so awesome.
Most old people aren't embarrassed to ask for help. I like that. They know they need you, and they don't play as many weird ego or modesty games. (Of course, there are exceptions.) Also, old people have lived these rich lives and are so eager to tell you their wisdom... and since I am not related to them I am ready and willing to hear it! Sometimes old people are absolutely crazy. And while that can be irritating it's usually harmless and often hilarious.
It makes me really sad when I look around and watch people being soooo pessimistic about each other. Women are traditionally seen as being the "catty" ones, but I observe it in men as well. It's a competitive, passive-aggressive way of looking at the world. It's horrible. I try very hard to treat everyone I encounter with compassion, even if they're bastards. I don't always succeed. (Especially where my closest family members are concerned... it's hard to keep perspective in one's own house). But on the whole, I think this way of seeing the world is important, even holy.
Meditating on loving-kindness, being beyond all words, seeking life in every breath... is this the Way the ancient masters taught? I think it is. So I continue.
