Comic 44 is up, double-length as promised.

The most phenomenal thing happened to me this week. I went outside.
Understand, I am one of those people that lives almost exclusively indoors. I don't even like walking down the trail by the lake. But... for some reason I was compelled to do my homework on the back porch last Wednesday. I'd forgotten what it was like to sit in open air like that. I can't believe I had actually forgotten!
But while I sat there, I started remembering. My childhood, mostly.
When I was a little girl, I developed this kind of spontaneous, naturalistic spirituality. I crafted these little shrines of twigs and clay, and would put leaves and flowers on top of them. I would build small cities in the mud and imagine civilizations that worshiped a small tree growing nearby. I dreamed of constructing a clubhouse in the backyard so that I could always sleep outdoors.
But somewhere between middle school and college, I stopped walking outside. I lost hold of those fantasies. They were so important at one point in my life, I can't imagine how they slipped out of my head without notice. But they were gone for years, and I never missed them.
But oh! I was wide -eyed! To stand there in that place with the light and the grass and the cool autumn air, I could feel all that childhood affection for the green welling up in me again. Memories of the games my sister and I played. Bracelets I'd braid out of grass. Castles of dirt and chalk.
Above me, I saw a single leaf caught on a single spider web filament and suspended 30 feet in the air above me. It twisted and rotated but never fell to the earth. I stood motionless as it danced for me, breathless. How long have I glanced out my window, looked at the world, but didn't really see it?
Today I took my sister by the hand. "I have something to show you" I said. I took her outside and a few steps into the grass. And we just stood there for a while, looking at the place we used to play in. After the space of a few breaths, she turned to me, smiling. "Yeah" she said. She knew what I was trying to say.
In a way, that's even more special than rediscovery.
  ¶ 23:06

You guys know the drill. I go out of town for the weekend, skip Monday's comic, and put up a double length issue on Friday. Sowwy. But at least I got last Friday's comic up! ^_^

Been reading Stephen King lately. Insomnia. From a Buick 8 (on an audiobook while traveling back home). Getting ready for Dark Tower 7, which I've already purchased. I really like his style. He's vivid without being pretentious. Just kinda says it how it is. So refreshing after hours of stupid Microbiology of whatever.
I actually got the audiobook for free from a used bookstore. I saw it was $25, but when Jeff and I opened it, it was missing the first CD. When I showed the owners they said I could just have it...(Otherwise they were going to throw it away). So I bought the paperback for $4, read the first 37 pages, and started the audiobook with disc2 on the way home. Pretty sweet deal.

Hm. Also I can't remember if I've mentioned this but I'm also learning the guitar now. Going to save up for a slick black acoustic (rather than this classical, wide-necked behemoth I'm practicing on). Not doing anything special just yet, but I can play you one or two songs off the top of my head. More chords and skills to follow.
  ¶ 21:22

The comic is drawn. The script is written. But frankly, I'm too tired to color right now.

I'll replace this post whenever I have time to finish the comic. -_- zzzzzzzz

*UPDATE* Okay, the comic is up now. Hopefully I'll make you another one for Monday, but since I'm going outta town this weekend, I might end up fighting a time lock. Thanks for your understanding. While I'm gone, try not to argue too much religion ^_~
  ¶ 21:35

WOW. That last blog spurred a hefty and long-winded religious debate. I appreciate everyone's input. If you want to keep talking about it, that's fine, but do it in this thread, not the previous one anymore. That reply section has reached capacity!

While I'm thinking about it, happy Mabon. That's what pagans call Autumn Equinox. And while I'm not the kind who casts spells and dances around in a circle... I do like to observe the seasons. Its the second harvest. Eat an apple, why dontcha? Today marks the return to darkness in the wheel of the year.

But enough religion! Today I'm going to talk about panic attacks. I have mentioned I have them, but I've not really explained them any. (Some of you have questioned whether or not they are really panic attacks, and truthfully I don't know what they are, but I think the definition I've provided is about as close as I'm gonna get.)
They usually start with the sudden crushing realization that I EXIST. Reality somehow becomes thinner for a few minutes, and then I'm struck with a HUGE adrenaline rush. Oftentimes very strange and sometimes psychedelic imagery follows. Its always the same images, but I can't remember them until I'm having them. I usually feel terrified, but not because something is scary. Its like when someone jumps out at you. You get that wave go over your body, and you feel all prickly.

Well, the reason I'm describing this though is because Josh said that the attack sounded cool, and asked "Why don't you try to harness it?" Well, in a way, I actually DID yesterday. I was running on the treadmill as usual, and I started having an attack at about 25 minutes in. At first it slowed me down, but I pushed through it, and hit the adrenaline kick. Oh MAN. I cranked the speed up about 1/3 higher than usual, and when the workout ended, and I had run over 3 miles, I said to myself "THAT WASN'T ENOUGH RUNNING!" So I leapt off the machine and started running around the track too. I think I went at least another half mile, and I could've easily kept going, but I realized I had somewhere to be. I wonder how long I could have kept it up? Even after I left, I skipped all the way out the door.
A month ago, I could hardly make a 1.5 miles. Today I can only comfortably run 2.5 w/o slowing down. I don't think it wasn't runner's high. This was like, some kind of FORCE opened up in me. And I know it was the panic adrenaline that gave me the boost, because I was almost worn out number of miles.

Some people think my attacks are scary. But when something like this happens, I wonder if they aren't something awesome in disguise?
  ¶ 11:46

In light of the great points brought up in the last post's comments, I'm going to post yet again and further clarify my position. I urge any readers to look at the previous post and all its comments before reading this one.

Rachel began to touch on the idea of marriage as a spiritual institution rather than a state one, but Lori really asked the questions I have been holding in my brain lately: "What is a marriage? When does one happen? When does one cease? (Do they cease??) Legal, spiritual, religious, physical, mental, emotional arenas. People are rarely married in all of them. People can't dictate all of them for someone else, either. "
So. People are married on all kinds of levels. As for me, I think that you can know that you are married, just like you can know when you are in love. It isn't a state certificate that makes it happen, its something more subtle than that, something you can't universally define.
Example. I saw a movie once in which the two characters talked about going to a Quaker (or was it Shaker?) wedding. Everyone went and sat in this room, bride and groom knelt facing eachother. If someone was compelled by God to speak, they spoke. No one was, so no one said anything for an hour. They just sat there in silence. And when the hour was over, the couple was considered married. Just like that.
So what happened in that hour? No one did anything special, no one signed papers, no one even spoke a vow. The only thing that happened was the assembly of people and the passage of time. Was there a point in that hour that could be considered the "turning point" of the relationship, shifting the two from unmarried to married? I don't really know the answer to that question. But what I do know is this: Marriage is a state of being, so of course it cannot be completely dictated for others. But the symbols of marriage, THOSE are another story.
Weddings are just one part of the symbolic union. The emotional, spiritual, sexual, etc. aspects can be met in all kinds of symbolic ways. For instance, I know that neo-pagans practice "hand-fasting", and it is open to same-sex couples. So you don't have to be heterosexual to have those aspects met. Weddings are possible for most everyone.
The only thing left after that is legal rights. Why do people sign the license at all? Why make a contract? You already have a commitment, as well as a public symbol of union.
You do it so that the state will give you legal benefits and recognize your rights. The reason I get so angry is that, regardless of all other aspects of the union, bigoted people continue to deny homosexuals equal rights under the constitution. If a biological parent dies, the other parent doesn't automatically assume custody of the child. Same with personal property, and real estate. Homosexuals cannot make medical decisions for their partners. In fact, families of a homosexual can forbid visitations by non-family members, effectively barring the partner's entry. Married individuals do not have to testify against eachother in court, though homosexual couples can be forced to do so. This, to me, is about the creation of second class citizens. I equate it to the black Civil Rights struggle. I know the situation is complicated, but its probably not as complicated as a lot of people tell themselves.
I like the idea of civil unions for everyone, even heteros. That way, if they wanted to, churches could still deny homosexuals a spiritual union without restricting their rights. Let people interpret their Bibles narrowly. That doesn't bother or affect me. What pisses me off is spiteful and ungodly treatment of your fellow man, and using a Bible to justify it.
You know when you are married. You know what it takes to have that symbolic right of passage for you. Some people are fine not having legal recognition. But others can't be complacent, some need the legal benefits as a symbol as well. As a kind of last puzzle piece to complete the picture. Christians, you aren't going to be able to stop them from loving eachother. So, I think, as practictioners of a faith, you have a duty to treat them with the dignity you want to treat all of God's children.

*phew* I'm worn out from ranting. -_-
Leave more comments!
  ¶ 11:26

#42 is up. It feels good to be back on these characters again. Perhaps we'll run into some new ones soon? I'll have to think on it. I've got roles planned out for a good number of people somewhere down the line.

Well, the good news is panic attacks have cooled down for now. I really wish I could describe to you what they are like. They're terrifying, but also incredible. In a way, they're like tapping into another plane of existence... as if everything around me becomes paper thin and I can see through it to a broader reality or something. There are no objects, only concepts of objects held together in the mind. Of course, those kinds of ideas just prove that I'm pretty unbalanced when they happen, but at least I get to be there and see it firsthand, you know?

Well. Now its time to truly rant.

For you outta-staters, yesterday Louisiana voted on a amendment to ban same-sex marriage. I went to the polls (for the first time!) and proudly voted against it. I know a lot of people at my church read this blog, so my mom is probably going to fuss at me for mentioning any of this. Heck, I'm sure a few of my close friends support the ban too. But I feel really strongly about it, so I need to talk about it, regardless of the views of my readers.
The amendment passed, which I of course totally expected. Last I heard it was by a margin of 80% or something. No big deal. Anyway, I went to church this morning as usual, and our minister told everyone how thankful he was that we all went and voted. I expected that too; again, no big deal. But THEN (and this REALLY baked my cookies) he gave his sermon on the story of Stephen.
If you don't know who that is, its the story of a man who stood against the established religion of his time, said some "blasphemous" things, and was stoned. Our minister kept repeating that Stephen was good to stand against tradition in the name of truth, and that the old religion had its heart in the wrong place. And directly after this message, he steps down and repeats how he is proud of us for banning same-sex marriage, and boy I just lost it. Snap.
I was sitting in the very front section next to my mom, right on end of the pew. The minister called an invitation for those who need support or whatever, and then stepped down into the aisle. He was standing dead even with me, less than an arm's reach away, looking out over the congregation. I was tearing up I was so mad at him, but he couldn't see.
Why was I mad? In my eyes, two contradictory messages had just come out of his mouth with hardly a pause between, in the name of God. And here I was, standing next to my mom, unable to move. Unable to leave. I wanted nothing more than to become Stephen and stand up for the people who were being oppressed by the church. I want to tell him why equal marriage is so important, why its legal benefits help the children of such couples, why symbols like marriage foster a sense of sacredness in relationships and would ultimately contribute to the Christian idea of "holy love". News flash, Christians of the world: preventing equal-marriage doesn't prevent homosexuality. It just tells homosexuals "We don't want you." There is a lesbian woman in our congregation. I have no idea how she can stand to sit through it either. Does she too feel rage, or have they broken her back such that she is self-hating?
I guess I sound cynical? No, I go to church of my own free will. It's not the church I want to go to, but I continue in order to honor my family (and I think that's a really important duty to keep). But here's the thing: no matter what religion you are, I don't care what you call it, but we're all trying to reach toward this thing, this God idea. And when that man stood up before everyone and spoke the words he did, every fiber of my being screamed that this was the opposite of that idea. Normally, I would never get so worked up about equal marriage. It doesn't directly apply to me. But when someone stands in front of me and denounces a people in the name of God, I take it REAL personal.

I'm too worn out to rant anymore. You can leave comments if you like, but please don't hide behind the Book and quote a Bible verses at me. That would be totally missing the point here.

By the way, if you voted for the amendment, I still love you and all. You've got your reasons and your rights, same as me. And mom, I'm sorry I put it all up here where your church friends can read. It was just something I had to do.
  ¶ 23:28

Comic 41 up.
Sorry I was completely silent all week. I've been under a great deal of stress lately, and to top it off my panic attacks came back this week in FULL force, so I've been fairly incapacitated for the last few days. Its like, one every 30 minutes to an hour.

The comic is double length to make up for the loss. In full color yet again, which I am growing fond of. Except for right now, since I just colored everything, and I'm really tired.

I'll write you some better news on Monday. But in the meantime, if you are a praying/meditating/spellcasting/raindancing type, send some of your positive karma to the up-above for me, would you? I'd prefer to not have any more attacks this weekend. They stress me out.
  ¶ 23:06

Comic #40 is up. Another all drawn piece of work. Probably gonna stick with that style for a while. Enjoy Dream is Destiny in technicolor!

I feel like I never have time to tell about my life these days. I actually am keeping busier here than I did at UH. I go to the gym every day after class. I am reading SO many chapters of work a night, its ridiculous. I have, what, 5 tests next week? Ack. I'm also doing freelance web design for people. I really enjoy it.

Um... what else is interesting.... oh right, I'm learning to play the guitar. Got a few chords down on this old classical we've had around the house. I'm not going to master anything on this stupid wide neck though... so now I have to add steel string acoustic to my list of wanted toys.

See, this is what I would buy if I had $1000 layin around:
1) Guitar (150-200)
2)Wacom Tablet (300-500)
3) iPod (400)
4) More RAM (100-200)
5) An external hard drive for backup so I can reinstall Windows AGAIN (150)
To name a few. iPod is slowly getting bumped from the list though. I only really want it for running music. My dumb CD player starts glitching out and emitting this impossibly high pitch screech whenever I take it to the gym with me. Perhaps my PDA could work as a substitute if I could find a way to attach it to my body...

So, what would you buy if you were handed $1000 that you had to spend right now?
  ¶ 23:06

Happy Labor Day!
Even though its a day free of work, I made you an all-drawn, all-color comic today. Number 39!

I'm still working on that story for the story section. It'll be up soon.
  ¶ 00:12

Page 38 is up, double length as promised. MAN AM I TIRED. Way way too tired to tell you about how I've been. But here's the thing: I'm working on a new story for the story section. Its almost done. Its true and I think its kindof funny. I'll probably be putting it up on Monday.

Since its Labor Day weekend, I'm going to use the extra time to do a MUCH needed system reinstallation. Everything is broken on this machine, so I'm flattening and starting over. This means that I MAY have problems making Monday's comic, but I'm going to do my best. If not, you should still get the story.

So. Have a nice week. Peace be upon you. I know its really cheesy to say that kind of thing, like some kind of weird blessing... but you know what? I really do wish it on you... so I guess I'm just going to say it anyway.
  ¶ 21:22